Posts Tagged With: bully

Butting Heads (3rd incident)

The Third Incident, the third rebuke from my bullying boss, was admittedly partly my own fault.

Matt and Jack are consultants whom my boss holds in high esteem.  They are from out of town and were booked to work with our team in our office for a limited time, so I had left my schedule fairly open on the day to be flexible around them and their meetings with other team members. They kept putting me off until the end of the day – at which point I had only 20 mins space for them before I had an important meeting set up with another person.

Prior to this meeting I had spoken to Jack several times in person and by Skype about the topic of the meeting (and we seemed to be on the same wavelength), and had one joint Skype meeting with Matt and Jack together. I had set up a shared Google document for us to use to brainstorm and converse on the topic – which neither of them had contributed to or commented on.

I sat down with them and proceeded to bring them up to speed. It was clear neither of them had read my correspondence, however more alarming was the change in tone I saw in Jack under Matt’s influence. Where previously Jack was every bit as excited about what I’d told him as I was, today he was following Matt’s lead. And Matt was being incredibly patronising, egotistical, negative, trying to tell me what to do (in a field that is not his expertise, when he hadn’t read the briefing documents I’d sent, etc). Jack followed Matt’s lead and took on a patronising tone, treating me like a child.

I could not believe what they were doing. More interested in listening to their own voices, in their own egotistical sense of  ‘authority’, than having an intelligent informed discussion – I simply couldn’t believe what was happening. In a flash of anger I called them on it, and told them to stop being so patronising. Matt told me he found me incredibly rude. I said I found his patronisation to be rude.

Due to them delaying our meeting till the end of the day I only had a short period of time before I had to get to my next meeting – so I had to excuse myself before we’d solved the issue. I said we’d have to talk about this more another day.

Later that afternoon as I was getting ready to go home, Jack pulled me aside to apologise. He said he realised that he and Matt had come at things the wrong angle. Equally, I apologised for losing my temper, and assured him it was all water under the bridge. While I would love his and Matt’s help on my project, if they didn’t want to be part of it  (for example, were worried about workload) I could proceed without them.

The next day my boss called me aside for a ‘talk.’ By this point I’d come to realise that meant something bad. She went straight on the attack, saying that Matt and Jack had made a complaint about me. She said that she’d already had to speak to me about being ‘rude’ (see Second Incident), that Matt was extremely important to the project, that I needed to be better at ‘making friends’, and that I had to apologise. I asked her: didn’t she even want to hear the other side of what happened?

When I had originally told my boss about what I wanted to do she had been excited by my ideas and asked me to involve Matt and Jack. I told her that Matt had categorically rejected these same ideas, without even listening. That ultimately if he didn’t want to be involved he needn’t be, however it wasn’t his position to tell me not to proceed when this was my core role and expertise. I wasn’t telling Matt how to do his job (I respect his opinion within his own expertise); he had no right to try to tell me how to do mine.

I relayed to my boss what Matt’s opinion was as to what I should do – a simultaneously stupid and boring idea that had my boss rolling her eyes and exclaiming “Boys!”

I agreed that I shouldn’t have lost my temper, and pointed out that Jack and I had already made up of our own accord (that Jack said himself they had been wrong to approach me the way they had).

My boss seemed to see a bit more sense about this. Still she rebuked me, said that I had to work on getting along with people like Matt, that I needed to ‘listen’ to his wisdom, and that I needed to apologise to Matt officially. I agreed to do so. I certainly felt ashamed for losing my temper. Matt had pushed all the buttons my big brother used to push when I was a kid, made me feel small, insignificant and powerless – and I hated that I’d given into my emotion in the moment and given him that control and ammunition.

I sent Matt and Jack a long email of apology. It wasn’t a complete suck up email: I politely and diplomatically apologised, re-explained the position I was coming from, the seeming misunderstanding, that they needn’t be part of it if they didn’t want to, that I would appreciate their input if they cared to share it, and that I was sorry for losing my temper and having to cut the meeting short to get to my next meeting.

Neither Matt nor Jack so much as acknowledged the apology.

And a few months later, after I had taken their advice on the topic over my own better judgement, when I presented to the team the outcome… They hated Matt’s idea, thought it was stupid and off topic, and made suggestions in line with my original ideas that had since been discarded at Matt and my boss’s insistence.

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The Second Incident with my bullying boss led to a crisis of confidence. She’d really rattled me. The power of the manipulation was such that I started thinking that I was the problem, rather than seeing things for what they really were.

She’d planted a seed in my mind that I was not doing a good job, that other unspecified team members found me rude and had complained about me, and this turned me into a cautious emotionally distant worker. I tip-toed around people, bit my tongue when I had a different opinion, felt a sense of betrayal that other team members acted nice to my face yet had apparently said something else behind my back, and felt like an unlikeable outcast who didn’t fit in.

It didn’t cross my mind to question what my boss had said on this level. Why would she lie about such things? She’d tapped into my deepest insecurities and the emotional wound festered.

She started making me report in to the newly promoted Program Manager (Leonard). At first I was relieved because he was more approachable than my boss. However it soon became clear that ‘reporting’ to him meant extra work, at times micromanagement, other times he didn’t read or respond to the stuff he’d directed me to do, he was a Yes Man who wouldn’t stand up to our boss, and if I made the mistake of raising the issues I was facing he would turn it around on me and suggest that I was the problem.

From a purely ‘work’ point of view I could logically see that my boss’s arguments didn’t add up: she had told me that my strategy was ‘wrong’ and that I was being pessimistic, yet the underlying research I had done, including what other team members had relayed to me, all indicated it was correct. I had offered solutions to the problems that she considered ‘pessimistic’, yet if she wouldn’t acknowledge the problem there was no way I could work to solve it.

I felt stuck not knowing how to go forward with my work when the underlying principles had been rejected by my boss, and also unable to give her a version that she would accept. Leonard kept telling me to ‘leave the past in the past’, and ‘move forward’, with no understanding that if the underlying strategy is rejected it means going back to the beginning.

I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, feeling disempowered and confused, trying to do my best while feeling very small.

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Autonomous ESP (2nd Incident)

After that first rebuke from my boss (see post Blame Game) things seemed to settle down for a time. My boss likes to say she gives us a lot of autonomy, and that’s certainly how I like to work  – just get in and do the job – and during this time she gave me ‘autonomy’ to hire some people.

However I should add that ‘autonomy’ in the context of my boss is Orwellian for “do things by E.S.P,” “make sense of her contradictions,”  and “don’t expect any clarification from her on anything.”

This was my first time working in the Public Service and there are all kinds of rules and red tape that unnecessarily complicate the hiring process. This was made all the worse by my boss giving me some of this information one day, then another day she’d give me another piece of the puzzle, a week later she would contradict what she’d said earlier, and all the while I was trying my hardest to get a straight answer from her so I could do it without overstepping the invisible rules.

After a month of negotiating the confusion, I had quotes from three contractors. I submitted my recommendation to my boss, gave my reasons for my preferred contractor, as well as all the documentation related to the quotes. This should have been a fairly straight forward ‘hire’, as per one of my earlier hires.

My boss called me in to have a meeting about this. She had the brief I’d written (for them to quote on) up on the screen so we could look at it together. And she immediately went on the attack, accusing me of hiring someone to do my job for me. From what she was saying she clearly didn’t understand the brief, had misread it, however when I attempted to correct her she got angry at me for ‘talking over the top’ of her and ‘not listening.’ I had to sit in silence while she scolded me, waiting for a moment when she’d give me the opportunity to explain.

Once she gave me an opening to answer her accusations, I rationally and logically explained why I’d written the brief the way I had (I wanted this contractor to understand where his work fit in with everyone else’s, and had clearly labelled which elements he was quoting on versus what elements other people would be doing). For every clear rational answer I gave her, she would sling another accusation at me, interrogating me about anything and everything including things not related to this issue, saying my work was wrong (even if it was something she’d previously been happy with), I was wrong, I was rude, that ‘people’ had complained about me, and so on.

I have to say I was in absolute shock as this unfolded. In hindsight I can sit here and pull it all apart and reassure myself that her behaviour was appalling and that she is a bullying boss, however in that moment I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, that my work was substandard, that my colleagues didn’t like me… It was such a hostile onslaught that I was totally unprepared for it and didn’t know what to make of it.

The pattern of behaviour for this meeting was:

1) Boss aggressively attacks with an unfounded claim

2) I offer reasoned explanation, try to find solution to placate her

3) Boss attacks with another claim – not necessarily at all related to earlier discussion

And so we went round in circles covering all kinds of  unfounded accusations completely unrelated to the topic of our meeting, her attacking, me apologetically defending, until finally she hit a sore point and I felt my eyes blinking back tears trying not to cry. The sore point?

I’d been having trouble getting the information I needed from some team members, this clique had made a blanket ‘no meetings’ ban so all I could do was email them or set up a discussion point on our intranet and hope they would respond – which they hadn’t been doing. It’s rather difficult to “communicate” to the public when you don’t have the information yourself. I had been finding this very difficult, was frustrated to say the least, and had raised the problem I was having to the Project Manager (who had done absolutely nothing to help the situation).

My boss mined this, saying that I should have a good think about why these people wouldn’t talk to me (i.e. my own fault). That ‘people’ had complained about me being rude.  That maybe I was unapproachable, and needed to work harder to be nicer.

In that moment I felt awful. It hit one of those deep-set insecurities we all have: the desire to  be liked. I thought it must have been me that was the problem.

In that moment, where I tried not to cry, and apologised categorically, explained the trouble I’d been having with this clique and how I would do anything they suggested to fix the problem – that I myself was out of ideas because I had tried everything I could think of and it had failed to make a difference – that was the moment when my boss softened.

Pattern emerging: It was only when I was submissive, responded emotionally, accepted ‘blame’, that my boss eased off.

Interestingly (but not surprisingly), when we got back to the topic of the meeting – which contractor to accept – every single thing that my boss had raised as an issue… When she actually looked at what I had already done  and was documented  in the quote (tasks broken down into packages, itemised, prioritised, scheduled,  deliverable dates, etc) she accepted my recommendation without any changes necessary.

So what the fuck was the hour long ordeal really about???

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Blame game (1st Incident)

Photo via a2gemma

Seeing as I’ve failed to identify the one ‘inciting incident‘ to my workplace bullying ordeal, I’ve decided I will instead write about the series of incidents that led to it – and perhaps one of you who has the benefit of perspective will be able to pinpoint it for me.

The first time my boss unfairly reprimanded me:

I’d been on the job for about two and a half months. I work in a communications role and it’s my job to oversee the blog and social media (amongst other things). We had an item to promote to get some people involved in our project. I took the information given to me (which had already been emailed to various people) and posted it to the blog and social media. My boss asked me to repeat this process for another item, and forwarded the information to me (which had already been emailed out to other key people). I did just that. So far so good, right?

That evening after work I had an email conversation going back and forward with her because she noted there was something incorrect in the blog post. We were offering flights to people to take part. I assured her I would correct it on the blog and mentioned she might like to let the rest of the team know about it too as this was the information they were communicating in their email out. She said she didn’t know what email I referred to, so I forwarded on the email that she had earlier sent me (including her instruction to put it on the blog). Silence from her after that…

…Until the next morning at the office. She pulled up a chair by my desk, and said we needed to talk. She told me off for putting the wrong information on the blog. She said it was my job to make sure the information was correct, and I should have known better – that we would never under any circumstances have offered to pay for flights. Someone higher up had seen it, and it made us look bad, like we were throwing money away. The email with the information that my boss had forwarded on to me had been written by someone else (Tom), had apparently not been signed off by her, and Tom was also in trouble.

I approach things with a problem-solving framework: I work out the best solution going forward (blog post corrected) and analyse the steps leading to the problem to work out what went wrong, identify how we can change things to ensure the problem doesn’t occur again, and take necessary steps.

So, I spoke to my boss about the steps that led to this incorrect information getting onto the blog post. I mentioned I’d overheard her and Tom talking a couple weeks earlier about this EOI and that my boss had seemed to agree to pay for flights. She countered that this was a different situation, and things had changed, and Tom should have known that. I suggested that this could be where the confusion arose, an innocent misunderstanding. But my boss didn’t accept that, she said we needed to take responsibility for this mistake. I said I could only work with the information given to me, and I didn’t see how I could have done anything differently given the circumstances (overheard Tom and my boss talking about flights, my boss forwarded an email with this information to me and asked me to put it on the blog, and I did exactly as requested). She didn’t accept that.

Ultimately she just wanted me to accept the blame. It was stand off, there was nothing more I could say, other than apologise and promise to do better next time. I did just this.

I felt relieved when she then eased off, softened up, and confided in me the challenges she was having now that Barry had left – that no-one was helping her with her work. I nodded sympathetically, feeling kind of odd that she was now reaching out to me in this way. She seemed kind of needy and helpless, and it was kind of flattering that she was confiding in me in this way. My boss said we should talk more often as she realised I was working by myself (while others had their ‘teams’), and she set into our schedule a weekly one on one meeting. It felt like a barrier had been broken, and while I was still confused about the incident (being blamed for something that clearly wasn’t my fault), I thought that working closer with her would ensure that we didn’t have a repeat of this incident.

FYI, those weekly one-on-one meetings that were meant to bring us closer together: lasted total of 2 weeks before she went back to being ‘too busy’ for such things and became her usual distant, hard-to-talk-to boss.

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Thank You Hater!

I wish I had the energy and imagination to do something like this to my bullying boss:

(Comedian Isabel Fay made this song and dance video response to an offensive YouTube troll)

Does make me think though: maybe I should make a bit of a game about this. The nastier my work problems are, the more to smile and say ‘thank-you.’

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Inciting Incident

Image via Lost in Scotland

I have a friend who is a screenwriter, and he has asked me to identify the ‘inciting incident’ to by bosses bullying (film speak for the moment when things changed, point of no return). I wish life was so clear-cut that you could divide events up into a three act hero’s journey structure (sorry more film jargon!) with a clear protagonist, antagonist, storyline, theme, and resolution. But life is more muddled. Unfortunately I can’t help but think that if life were a movie I would just be an ‘extra’ in someone else’s film.

I can’t pick a clear ‘inciting incident’, however there were hints amongst the honeymoon period that all was not so glorious. The Office Co-ordinator, Naomi, is one of those people who wears a permanent sunny smile and is happy to help out in any way she can. Yet my boss would make snide comments about her, roll her eyes, insinuate that she was incompetent. I am ashamed to admit that while I noticed this with a sense of unease, I never spoke up. I didn’t want to see the negatives, I wanted to love my job, part of me knew it was wrong for my boss to behave like this, and another part of me wondered if there was a history there of Naomi indeed being bad at her job.

We would have team meetings with all present except Naomi. One day when Barry wondered if we could get Naomi in to take meeting notes my boss rolled her eyes and said she really wouldn’t be capable of it. My boss would blame Naomi if the meeting room wasn’t booked properly, if refreshments hadn’t been ordered in preparation of meeting guests, if Naomi was not at her desk to answer a phone call, she would say that Naomi had access to a file or information that I needed and to get it from her – yet Naomi would tell me that she had no knowledge of what our boss was referring to.

At the time I thought that Naomi was a lovely person but perhaps not particularly skilled or good at her job.

Later when I found myself on the receiving end of our bosses bullying behaviour, I realised that Naomi was in fact set up to fail. She couldn’t book a room for a meeting our boss hadn’t told her about. She couldn’t give me a file she had no access to. She was doing the best she could, with a boss who had fired two Office Co-ordinators in a matter of months before hiring Naomi in the role. Naomi is a bloody hero for being able to put up with my boss for as long as she has, and do it with a smile.

I, on the other hand, do not find my own behaviour befitting the ‘hero’s journey’. I feel like a coward. And even when I do imagine standing up and making a difference, it is only in my own head. Writing this blog, with the bold proclamation to be about ‘beating the bully boss’, when in real life I don’t see much likelihood of that happening. Life is not a movie. The good guys don’t triumph. The only thing we can hope to do is minimise the damage.

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Learning to trust your instincts

Tom and JerryI’m a pretty logical person, I guess you would say I often lead with my head, which you would think (considering that I’m fairly intelligent) ought to make life easier than for those people who run around ruled by their emotions. But it’s times like this where I realise that it’s actually a hindrance .

See I’m one of those leftward leaning, liberal minded, bit PC  people who hate to offend anyone, try ridiculously hard to please and bend over backwards to be fair and non judgemental even to my own detriment. So when I meet someone and don’t get a great ‘feel’ on them, I often dismiss this. I don’t listen to gossip or hearsay. For me to dislike someone I must personally witness them acting in a clearly “bad” way, and even then I might rationalise that they’re just having a bad day or are stressed or it was a misunderstanding. I need proof beyond reasonable doubt for me to make a judgement call.

On one hand this is what our society values, in the court of law as well as things like employment processes that aim to focus only on the facts at hand and ignore all else. This is the way we combat prejudice, racism, sexism, biases.

However, on the other hand, our sense of unease can be our animal instincts trying to warn us. We might not be able to logically explain why we don’t really trust someone, yet our subconscious can be picking up on micro expressions, body language, inconsistencies and coming to a justified realisation that this person is not trustworthy.

In hindsight it is always clearer. I have never felt ‘comfortable’ around my boss, even in the honeymoon period when I thought she was great. I never could get a clear ‘read’ on what she was thinking or feeling. I didn’t feel trust, or at ease.

There are three people in my life experience who have figuratively speaking ‘screwed me over.’ I’m not merely talking about working relationships gone bad, I mean people who in hindsight had ulterior motives which involved using me, who pretended to be nice while lying and manipulating, who didn’t care if what they were doing was unfair, damaging, hurtful, unethical and even borderline illegal.

Initially, on first glance, I did not ‘like’ these three people (in so much as I got a weird gut feel about them) – yet I ignored my instincts. I led with my head, and on the surface all three of these people seemed nice, helpful, good people to be associated with, and with one of them I even developed what I thought was a really good strong friendship. I ignored the niggles. I rationalised minor issues away, choosing to believe the bigger picture they presented to me. I recommended them to other people. And it was only after much stress, confusion, damage and hurt, that the truth of their manipulation and lies became too obvious for me to not notice.

So it comes to this: once again realising that I should have listened to my gut rather than my head. Don’t be so trusting. If you don’t feel comfortable with someone, run the other way.

Categories: Prevention | Tags: , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

The honeymoon period

dog & catKnowing how bad it is now at work, dealing with my bullying boss, it’s hard to believe there was a time when I loved my job. But there was such a time.

When I started working here at the end of last year I was so happy that on work mornings I got a warm fuzzy thrill deep in the pit of my stomach – it was love. I felt like dancing down the hall of my workplace I loved it so much.

That might sound over the top, like I’m exaggerating, but really I was excited by my new job. It’s an innovative project, ground breaking, we’re doing something  that fulfills a real need, I liked my work mates, thought I had the best boss in the world, felt privileged to have a part in it, and just felt really lucky to have landed on my feet in this role.

To be completely honest my previous work history had not been that joyous. I’d had my share of negative workplaces; difficult bosses, colleagues and clients; in recent years I’d set up my own business working freelance after having a child and found – whilst initially it was fulfilling working for myself  – it was a hard slog with infrequent money, lots of stress, unpredictable future, and no clear career progression. Transitioning back from freelance work into a full-time position, it was a challenge job hunting due to a frequent bias that not having recently ‘held a similar role’ I was not considered as safe a bet as other candidates.

It was getting to the point where I was feeling desperate, considering jobs on crap money that would be a clear leap backwards (wiping out almost a decade of experience and corresponding salary level), considering retraining as something completely different to get a fresh start,  wishing I’d made different career decisions, and was afraid that I would never be able to get past people’s biases about my work history (which I couldn’t change).

Then my luck improved: I had several strong job interviews within a couple of weeks, resulting in two job offers at the same time. I took the job that I thought was most interesting, and even had the confidence to negotiate a pay increase on the base offer. That’s the place I work at now.

And my first month on the job was amazing! My boss sang my praises; it was a family friendly workplace where people sometimes brought their kids in; people left work at a reasonable hour (the boss left at 3pm some days!); we had autonomy over our workload and hours; and I LOVED my role. I was so excited to be working in a creative, balanced, positive work environment where I had the opportunity to do my job unhindered, and it looked like I was going to be able to achieve some really amazing stuff.

That’s not to say there weren’t some little niggles, things that I dismissed, that I didn’t want to think too much about.

I was given the opportunity to work on a funding application, one we hoped would secure our project another $3-8 million – it was a great opportunity for me. Mind you it scared me shitless how much autonomy they gave me, when this wasn’t part of the role I was hired in, and was stretching beyond my core skill set. I thought it odd my boss wasn’t more heavily involved in it, wasn’t giving me any real feedback, it was hard to work out what was going on however I went along with it figuring that if I put a step wrong she or Barry (twice retired founder of the project) would set me straight.

That was a pattern from early on – my boss not giving clear instruction or direction, lack of feedback, absent leadership. And initially, in the honeymoon period, there were a few times when I got a sense that she might not be happy about something I had done but she kept it to herself and it was only body language that gave it away. So I felt like perhaps I’d disappointed her, but didn’t know why, and was determined to work harder and be better and not let her down. On the whole though it was a good time full of potential.

Our last meeting for the year before breaking up for Christmas we went round the circle to say something to sum up the past year. Being a new person I couldn’t contribute much in terms of history, but blushed as I gushed about how much I loved working there, and was so glad to have such an amazing boss. It was a little embarrassing, but I really did feel “full of goodwill,” drunk in love with my job.

I had no idea of what was to come.

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Snakes in Suits

The second book I read  to try help me with my bullying boss – as recommended by my psychologist friend along with other books – was “Snakes in Suits” by Paul Babiak and Robert Hare.

To be honest, I don’t recommend reading this book because it is downright terrifying. The book delves into the very worst of workplace psychopaths, telling of numerous real life situations where intelligent charming too-good-to-be-true psychopaths manipulate their way up the corporate ladder, destroying the lives of those around them, and doing it so cleverly that they get away with it. After reading this book I never want to enter another workplace again! It very clearly shows that it is almost impossible for a normal person to escape unscathed if they come into contact with such a person, and as such, is a terribly depressing book to read and left me feeling  miserable and without hope (it was after reading this book that I wrote the post “Should I Give Up?“, so I don’t recommend reading it while you’re in a bad work situation).

However, the book does have its merits. I found for example the below test interesting. It clarified that while my bullying boss is far from nice, she doesn’t classify as bad as a psychopath.

Domains and Traits of the Psychopath [from the PCL: SV]

(Scoring is on a scale of 0-24: if the person clearly has the trait its 2 points per item, if a trait only partially or sometimes applies it is 1 point, and 0 if not applicable)

The person is:

  • Superficial [0]
  • Grandiose [0]
  • Deceitful  [1]
  • Lacks remorse [2]
  • Lacks empathy [1]
  • Doesn’t accept responsibility [2]
  • Is impulsive [1]
  • Lacks goals [1]
  • Is irresponsible [1]

Has a history of:

  • Poor behavioural controls [?]
  • Adolescent antisocial behaviour [?]
  • Adult antisocial behaviour [1]

A normal person will score under 3, I reckon my bullying boss scores about 10, average score for criminals is 13, and a score of 18 indicates a psychopath.

Snakes in Suits certainly does a good job at explaining the tricks a psychopath uses to manipulate people, how people believe the lies and get conned, and makes fascinating (albeit terrifying) reading.

It made me aware of how some people will do things like tell one person one thing, and another person something else, so that each person is manipulated into thinking the other is the problem rather than realising that the psychopath is actually causing the trouble in between. It makes it obvious how honest hardworking people are easily manipulated because we don’t expect people to be so brazenly dishonest.

Reading this made me more cynical about some of the ‘misunderstandings’ and ‘miscommunication’ in my own office, and wonder if my boss is consciously orchestrating disharmony and division amongst our team. Previously I’d given her some of the benefit of the doubt thinking she was just confusing, forgetful, inconsistent, but now I wonder if its more devious than that.

For example, on our floor at work we don’t have enough desks for everyone who works with us, and mostly its okay because some people work from home some days and there are enough meeting rooms and what not that the people who are only in part-time can shuffle round without a permanent space. But my boss told a new staff member, Sarah*, when she started that she would sit on floor eleven by herself; twice my boss told my assistant, Kat*, that Kat and I would move up there by ourselves – while not once mentioning anything to me. No one has been moved, there have been no ‘public’ conversations about this, it just sounds like misinformation and mind games to confuse and isolate people.  My boss has also been asking Kat to do things without telling me, then I am confused when Kat has worked on something she really didn’t need to do and was a waste of her time because it was already covered. Kat herself told me the other day that she thought these things are our boss’s way of trying to make me think Kat is a source of misinformation, and to make her look bad.

There are lots of things that have happened in the office that I used to think were another colleague being difficult that I now think my boss may actually be behind, seeding misinformation and creating division. And normally you would go “that doesn’t make sense, why would anyone do that, its just stupid,” but there are people out there who love to cause disharmony and find that it helps strengthen their own position and helps them in their career to create these problems for others.

As such this book really opened my eyes to the extra layers of manipulation that are at work in my office, beyond the obvious ones I was already conscious of.

On the whole I’d say this book is probably of more practical value to organisations looking to safeguard themselves from hiring the wrong person and minimise their vulnerability by improving their workplace culture and proceedures. Individuals like myself  will just feel even more vulnerable and helpless because ultimately these psychopaths are such talented liars and manipulators that we can’t hope to beat them.

*Names have been changed to protect identity.

Categories: Book review | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Should I give up?

Give Up

'Give Up' care of dublabrat

I’m feeling really low this week. I know it’s only my third post, and I’ve barely even begun to tell my story, yet I’m already feeling disheartened. My earlier posts were full of bravado.  A naivety that if I did “the right thing” in the face of my boss’s bullying, that somehow good would triumph. Just look at the title of this blog. I had dark fantasies about confronting her with the truth, the evidence, and her quietly accepting the truth and changing for the good of me and the team. Or another one involved me giving my evidence to HR or Workcover or one of her superiors who would go about punishing her and fixing our workplace up. My change of heart comes from facing a few bitter realities.

I recently revealed the problem to few close family members and friends. And their overwhelming advice is “whistle blowers are always scape-goated”, “she’ll be protected by people higher up”,  “you can’t win against people like that”, and I should “walk away, get another job.” It’s a hopeless situation in everyone’s opinion and best thing I can do is get far away as quick as possible.

I also read a couple of self help books on the topic (I’ll give a book review of these later). One is called “Working with Mean Girls” and the other is “Snakes in Suits”. They give pretty much the same advice: that you can’t win against these people and you’re better off leaving before they totally destroy you.

So I feel really crappy, like nothing I do is going to make any difference.

And the thought of getting another job, rather than filling me with hope, scares the hell out of me because who’s to say there isn’t another crappy boss
there? Snakes in Suits is about psychopaths in the workplace, and apparently there’s 1 in 100 in the population –  not to mention all the other people who aren’t so extreme but are still horrible to work with, like my current boss. I just don’t have the energy for it.

So I’m going through my days right now feeling tired, sad, hopeless. I just don’t know what to do. I wish there were some examples of people going through this stuff and coming out with a happy ending, rather than doom and gloom warnings of being destroyed and the need to run away. Anyone?

Categories: Standing Up | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

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