Outcast

The Second Incident with my bullying boss led to a crisis of confidence. She’d really rattled me. The power of the manipulation was such that I started thinking that I was the problem, rather than seeing things for what they really were.

She’d planted a seed in my mind that I was not doing a good job, that other unspecified team members found me rude and had complained about me, and this turned me into a cautious emotionally distant worker. I tip-toed around people, bit my tongue when I had a different opinion, felt a sense of betrayal that other team members acted nice to my face yet had apparently said something else behind my back, and felt like an unlikeable outcast who didn’t fit in.

It didn’t cross my mind to question what my boss had said on this level. Why would she lie about such things? She’d tapped into my deepest insecurities and the emotional wound festered.

She started making me report in to the newly promoted Program Manager (Leonard). At first I was relieved because he was more approachable than my boss. However it soon became clear that ‘reporting’ to him meant extra work, at times micromanagement, other times he didn’t read or respond to the stuff he’d directed me to do, he was a Yes Man who wouldn’t stand up to our boss, and if I made the mistake of raising the issues I was facing he would turn it around on me and suggest that I was the problem.

From a purely ‘work’ point of view I could logically see that my boss’s arguments didn’t add up: she had told me that my strategy was ‘wrong’ and that I was being pessimistic, yet the underlying research I had done, including what other team members had relayed to me, all indicated it was correct. I had offered solutions to the problems that she considered ‘pessimistic’, yet if she wouldn’t acknowledge the problem there was no way I could work to solve it.

I felt stuck not knowing how to go forward with my work when the underlying principles had been rejected by my boss, and also unable to give her a version that she would accept. Leonard kept telling me to ‘leave the past in the past’, and ‘move forward’, with no understanding that if the underlying strategy is rejected it means going back to the beginning.

I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, feeling disempowered and confused, trying to do my best while feeling very small.

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