Monthly Archives: June 2012


The Second Incident with my bullying boss led to a crisis of confidence. She’d really rattled me. The power of the manipulation was such that I started thinking that I was the problem, rather than seeing things for what they really were.

She’d planted a seed in my mind that I was not doing a good job, that other unspecified team members found me rude and had complained about me, and this turned me into a cautious emotionally distant worker. I tip-toed around people, bit my tongue when I had a different opinion, felt a sense of betrayal that other team members acted nice to my face yet had apparently said something else behind my back, and felt like an unlikeable outcast who didn’t fit in.

It didn’t cross my mind to question what my boss had said on this level. Why would she lie about such things? She’d tapped into my deepest insecurities and the emotional wound festered.

She started making me report in to the newly promoted Program Manager (Leonard). At first I was relieved because he was more approachable than my boss. However it soon became clear that ‘reporting’ to him meant extra work, at times micromanagement, other times he didn’t read or respond to the stuff he’d directed me to do, he was a Yes Man who wouldn’t stand up to our boss, and if I made the mistake of raising the issues I was facing he would turn it around on me and suggest that I was the problem.

From a purely ‘work’ point of view I could logically see that my boss’s arguments didn’t add up: she had told me that my strategy was ‘wrong’ and that I was being pessimistic, yet the underlying research I had done, including what other team members had relayed to me, all indicated it was correct. I had offered solutions to the problems that she considered ‘pessimistic’, yet if she wouldn’t acknowledge the problem there was no way I could work to solve it.

I felt stuck not knowing how to go forward with my work when the underlying principles had been rejected by my boss, and also unable to give her a version that she would accept. Leonard kept telling me to ‘leave the past in the past’, and ‘move forward’, with no understanding that if the underlying strategy is rejected it means going back to the beginning.

I just concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other, feeling disempowered and confused, trying to do my best while feeling very small.

Categories: My story | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Is Your Bad Boss Killing You? [INFOGRAPHIC]

Thanks to Arjan De Raaf for posting this infographic about Bad Bosses.

Infographic List

View original post

Categories: Lighter Look | Tags: , | Leave a comment

Autonomous ESP (2nd Incident)

After that first rebuke from my boss (see post Blame Game) things seemed to settle down for a time. My boss likes to say she gives us a lot of autonomy, and that’s certainly how I like to work  – just get in and do the job – and during this time she gave me ‘autonomy’ to hire some people.

However I should add that ‘autonomy’ in the context of my boss is Orwellian for “do things by E.S.P,” “make sense of her contradictions,”  and “don’t expect any clarification from her on anything.”

This was my first time working in the Public Service and there are all kinds of rules and red tape that unnecessarily complicate the hiring process. This was made all the worse by my boss giving me some of this information one day, then another day she’d give me another piece of the puzzle, a week later she would contradict what she’d said earlier, and all the while I was trying my hardest to get a straight answer from her so I could do it without overstepping the invisible rules.

After a month of negotiating the confusion, I had quotes from three contractors. I submitted my recommendation to my boss, gave my reasons for my preferred contractor, as well as all the documentation related to the quotes. This should have been a fairly straight forward ‘hire’, as per one of my earlier hires.

My boss called me in to have a meeting about this. She had the brief I’d written (for them to quote on) up on the screen so we could look at it together. And she immediately went on the attack, accusing me of hiring someone to do my job for me. From what she was saying she clearly didn’t understand the brief, had misread it, however when I attempted to correct her she got angry at me for ‘talking over the top’ of her and ‘not listening.’ I had to sit in silence while she scolded me, waiting for a moment when she’d give me the opportunity to explain.

Once she gave me an opening to answer her accusations, I rationally and logically explained why I’d written the brief the way I had (I wanted this contractor to understand where his work fit in with everyone else’s, and had clearly labelled which elements he was quoting on versus what elements other people would be doing). For every clear rational answer I gave her, she would sling another accusation at me, interrogating me about anything and everything including things not related to this issue, saying my work was wrong (even if it was something she’d previously been happy with), I was wrong, I was rude, that ‘people’ had complained about me, and so on.

I have to say I was in absolute shock as this unfolded. In hindsight I can sit here and pull it all apart and reassure myself that her behaviour was appalling and that she is a bullying boss, however in that moment I felt like I had done something terribly wrong, that my work was substandard, that my colleagues didn’t like me… It was such a hostile onslaught that I was totally unprepared for it and didn’t know what to make of it.

The pattern of behaviour for this meeting was:

1) Boss aggressively attacks with an unfounded claim

2) I offer reasoned explanation, try to find solution to placate her

3) Boss attacks with another claim – not necessarily at all related to earlier discussion

And so we went round in circles covering all kinds of  unfounded accusations completely unrelated to the topic of our meeting, her attacking, me apologetically defending, until finally she hit a sore point and I felt my eyes blinking back tears trying not to cry. The sore point?

I’d been having trouble getting the information I needed from some team members, this clique had made a blanket ‘no meetings’ ban so all I could do was email them or set up a discussion point on our intranet and hope they would respond – which they hadn’t been doing. It’s rather difficult to “communicate” to the public when you don’t have the information yourself. I had been finding this very difficult, was frustrated to say the least, and had raised the problem I was having to the Project Manager (who had done absolutely nothing to help the situation).

My boss mined this, saying that I should have a good think about why these people wouldn’t talk to me (i.e. my own fault). That ‘people’ had complained about me being rude.  That maybe I was unapproachable, and needed to work harder to be nicer.

In that moment I felt awful. It hit one of those deep-set insecurities we all have: the desire to  be liked. I thought it must have been me that was the problem.

In that moment, where I tried not to cry, and apologised categorically, explained the trouble I’d been having with this clique and how I would do anything they suggested to fix the problem – that I myself was out of ideas because I had tried everything I could think of and it had failed to make a difference – that was the moment when my boss softened.

Pattern emerging: It was only when I was submissive, responded emotionally, accepted ‘blame’, that my boss eased off.

Interestingly (but not surprisingly), when we got back to the topic of the meeting – which contractor to accept – every single thing that my boss had raised as an issue… When she actually looked at what I had already done  and was documented  in the quote (tasks broken down into packages, itemised, prioritised, scheduled,  deliverable dates, etc) she accepted my recommendation without any changes necessary.

So what the fuck was the hour long ordeal really about???

Categories: My story | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

5 steps to getting your boss sacked without consequences

Thanks to No Ingenue for this blog post about how to deal with a bad boss. I’ve been doing the first bit No Ingenue recommends – journalling issues – reasonably well, though sometimes it’s not clear that there will be an issue until long after the fact. My bullying boss is hot and cold, completely unpredictable!

Categories: Advice | Tags: , | 1 Comment

Blame game (1st Incident)

Photo via a2gemma

Seeing as I’ve failed to identify the one ‘inciting incident‘ to my workplace bullying ordeal, I’ve decided I will instead write about the series of incidents that led to it – and perhaps one of you who has the benefit of perspective will be able to pinpoint it for me.

The first time my boss unfairly reprimanded me:

I’d been on the job for about two and a half months. I work in a communications role and it’s my job to oversee the blog and social media (amongst other things). We had an item to promote to get some people involved in our project. I took the information given to me (which had already been emailed to various people) and posted it to the blog and social media. My boss asked me to repeat this process for another item, and forwarded the information to me (which had already been emailed out to other key people). I did just that. So far so good, right?

That evening after work I had an email conversation going back and forward with her because she noted there was something incorrect in the blog post. We were offering flights to people to take part. I assured her I would correct it on the blog and mentioned she might like to let the rest of the team know about it too as this was the information they were communicating in their email out. She said she didn’t know what email I referred to, so I forwarded on the email that she had earlier sent me (including her instruction to put it on the blog). Silence from her after that…

…Until the next morning at the office. She pulled up a chair by my desk, and said we needed to talk. She told me off for putting the wrong information on the blog. She said it was my job to make sure the information was correct, and I should have known better – that we would never under any circumstances have offered to pay for flights. Someone higher up had seen it, and it made us look bad, like we were throwing money away. The email with the information that my boss had forwarded on to me had been written by someone else (Tom), had apparently not been signed off by her, and Tom was also in trouble.

I approach things with a problem-solving framework: I work out the best solution going forward (blog post corrected) and analyse the steps leading to the problem to work out what went wrong, identify how we can change things to ensure the problem doesn’t occur again, and take necessary steps.

So, I spoke to my boss about the steps that led to this incorrect information getting onto the blog post. I mentioned I’d overheard her and Tom talking a couple weeks earlier about this EOI and that my boss had seemed to agree to pay for flights. She countered that this was a different situation, and things had changed, and Tom should have known that. I suggested that this could be where the confusion arose, an innocent misunderstanding. But my boss didn’t accept that, she said we needed to take responsibility for this mistake. I said I could only work with the information given to me, and I didn’t see how I could have done anything differently given the circumstances (overheard Tom and my boss talking about flights, my boss forwarded an email with this information to me and asked me to put it on the blog, and I did exactly as requested). She didn’t accept that.

Ultimately she just wanted me to accept the blame. It was stand off, there was nothing more I could say, other than apologise and promise to do better next time. I did just this.

I felt relieved when she then eased off, softened up, and confided in me the challenges she was having now that Barry had left – that no-one was helping her with her work. I nodded sympathetically, feeling kind of odd that she was now reaching out to me in this way. She seemed kind of needy and helpless, and it was kind of flattering that she was confiding in me in this way. My boss said we should talk more often as she realised I was working by myself (while others had their ‘teams’), and she set into our schedule a weekly one on one meeting. It felt like a barrier had been broken, and while I was still confused about the incident (being blamed for something that clearly wasn’t my fault), I thought that working closer with her would ensure that we didn’t have a repeat of this incident.

FYI, those weekly one-on-one meetings that were meant to bring us closer together: lasted total of 2 weeks before she went back to being ‘too busy’ for such things and became her usual distant, hard-to-talk-to boss.

Categories: My story | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Thank You Hater!

I wish I had the energy and imagination to do something like this to my bullying boss:

(Comedian Isabel Fay made this song and dance video response to an offensive YouTube troll)

Does make me think though: maybe I should make a bit of a game about this. The nastier my work problems are, the more to smile and say ‘thank-you.’

Categories: Lighter Look | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Inciting Incident

Image via Lost in Scotland

I have a friend who is a screenwriter, and he has asked me to identify the ‘inciting incident’ to by bosses bullying (film speak for the moment when things changed, point of no return). I wish life was so clear-cut that you could divide events up into a three act hero’s journey structure (sorry more film jargon!) with a clear protagonist, antagonist, storyline, theme, and resolution. But life is more muddled. Unfortunately I can’t help but think that if life were a movie I would just be an ‘extra’ in someone else’s film.

I can’t pick a clear ‘inciting incident’, however there were hints amongst the honeymoon period that all was not so glorious. The Office Co-ordinator, Naomi, is one of those people who wears a permanent sunny smile and is happy to help out in any way she can. Yet my boss would make snide comments about her, roll her eyes, insinuate that she was incompetent. I am ashamed to admit that while I noticed this with a sense of unease, I never spoke up. I didn’t want to see the negatives, I wanted to love my job, part of me knew it was wrong for my boss to behave like this, and another part of me wondered if there was a history there of Naomi indeed being bad at her job.

We would have team meetings with all present except Naomi. One day when Barry wondered if we could get Naomi in to take meeting notes my boss rolled her eyes and said she really wouldn’t be capable of it. My boss would blame Naomi if the meeting room wasn’t booked properly, if refreshments hadn’t been ordered in preparation of meeting guests, if Naomi was not at her desk to answer a phone call, she would say that Naomi had access to a file or information that I needed and to get it from her – yet Naomi would tell me that she had no knowledge of what our boss was referring to.

At the time I thought that Naomi was a lovely person but perhaps not particularly skilled or good at her job.

Later when I found myself on the receiving end of our bosses bullying behaviour, I realised that Naomi was in fact set up to fail. She couldn’t book a room for a meeting our boss hadn’t told her about. She couldn’t give me a file she had no access to. She was doing the best she could, with a boss who had fired two Office Co-ordinators in a matter of months before hiring Naomi in the role. Naomi is a bloody hero for being able to put up with my boss for as long as she has, and do it with a smile.

I, on the other hand, do not find my own behaviour befitting the ‘hero’s journey’. I feel like a coward. And even when I do imagine standing up and making a difference, it is only in my own head. Writing this blog, with the bold proclamation to be about ‘beating the bully boss’, when in real life I don’t see much likelihood of that happening. Life is not a movie. The good guys don’t triumph. The only thing we can hope to do is minimise the damage.

Categories: My story | Tags: , , , , , | 4 Comments

Create a free website or blog at